Don’t Go Back to Sleep

Don’t go back to sleep. Magical things happen in the hour before dawn. This morning, awakened early by my little dog, Eos, I lay still for a few minutes, mulling over questions for which I have no clear answers. The only sounds outside were the call of a barred owl and the first songbird of the day, a song sparrow. I felt a pull to go back to sleep, and then I recalled my recently renewed desire to reengage with landscape photography. For me, actively engaging in landscape photography requires getting up well before sunrise and staying out well past sunset to photograph nautical and civil twilight. These are the hours in which the most miraculous color and light can be witnessed.

    The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep.   You must ask for what you really want. Don’t go back to sleep.   People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch.   The door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep.   —Rumi     Once I recalled my desire, I was aware of all of the potential for commitment as well as the possibility of drawing back. It occurred to me that this is often the flavor of commitment related to a new habit. There is the phase of desire and approach, and if it very new, too new for intrinsic motivation to have begun to develop, the next split second often leads to dread, fear, apathy, or avoidance. We’re talking split seconds, here folks.

All of this happens so quickly that if you’ve never closely examined it, you won’t even be aware of all that is happening. But a lot can happen in those seconds. Many of us give in to the dread, fear, apathy, or avoidance, and we simply do what we have done before, or we do something else, neither of which choice or behavior leads us to what we have expressed commitment towards. Hours later, we may feel a nagging sense of dissatisfaction. Maybe we even have negative thoughts or feelings toward ourselves that leave us feeling disappointed and hopeless about ever getting close to what we say that we desire. It quickly becomes clear that we have underlying commitments to something entirely else.  

Often, all that it takes is beginning with learning to develop a spacious awareness in these moments of choice. It really is a long walk from getting out of bed until we do the thing that we desire or we choose to do something else, whether our desire is to get up early to photograph, write, work out, do yoga, meditate, pray, etc. Developing a spacious awareness around the thoughts and feelings that accompany the decision can lead to greater freedom of choice. If you can learn to understand the tricks that your mind plays on you to make it more difficult to develop your commitment to a new habit, then you become empowered to do something different.  

This morning, I recognized that I felt a desire to go back to sleep. My mind told me that I was too tired. When I carefully examined this thought, I decided that it wasn’t even true. I had gone to bed early last night, and I felt well rested. My mind told me that it was too dark. When I examined that thought, I laughed, as dark was the perfect time to head out. At that point, I recognized what was going on, and I took the next few seconds to remind myself of that which I have said I wish to commit. I recalled the Rumi poem, particularly the lines, “The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want.” I remembered the magic that happens in the light just before dawn and how alive I feel in its presence, and I got out of bed, got dressed, and headed to the beach with my camera.   When I arrived at the beach, the first hint of morning light was just beginning to appear. A lone fisherman stood in the surf underneath the crescent moon.  

As twilight arrived, I could see that the ocean was dotted with what first appeared to be floating pelicans, but as the light got brighter, I realized that they were surfers, waiting for the waves. They were all turned toward the sun, like Nicholas Cage and the other angels facing the sunrise each day in City of Angels. There must have been thirty of them out there.     What is it, I wondered, that drives some of us from our beds to worship the morning light—to photograph it, to ride the waves of the ocean, to fish, or to walk, to walk toward that early morning whisper of Rumi’s, “Don’t go back to sleep.” And what is it that allows the others of us to give in to that voice that whispers, “I’m too tired. I’m going back to sleep.”  

  This morning, I witnessed a mystical sunrise on the beach, photographed it, and enjoyed a morning run and yoga on the beach, and it’s only 8:00am.  What I know is that the good feelings that have arisen at the start of my days lately in response to getting up and out into nature early have begun to generate some intrinsic motivation. Every day that I get up and do what I love, the good feelings that result motivate me to get up for more of it in the future.  

 What do you love? Are you committed to it? What is holding you back? And what will you choose to do about it? If you say you want one thing, and you continue to choose something else instead, then to what are you really committed?  You might try investigating these questions through your mindful journaling or writing practice.

Jen Johnson is a mindfulness coach and therapist teaching meditation for healing and creative awakening.