Belonging is a basic human need. As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, social media is buzzing with articles about gratitude, giving thanks, and family. While this is lovely, and studies do show that focusing our minds on gratitude leads to greater happiness, I’m more concerned about the buzz that I hear behind the closed door of my office. It’s about belonging.
The holidays in particular stir up longing for connection for a lot of people—longing to feel like we belong with family, friends, or community. I think the truth is that a lot of people struggle with feeling that they don’t belong, and this experience becomes heightened during the holidays. These feelings of lack of belonging sometimes drive people to try to connect with people who hold core values that are inconsistent with their own, people who mistreat them, or people who don’t respect them, which often leads to an even more intense experience of disconnection or lack of belonging.
A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people…When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. –Brene Brown
People who didn’t experience loving attachments with adults during childhood are often left with a sense of a hole in the heart, being on the outside, being different, not feeling connected, and/or feeling a lack of belonging. When feelings of disconnection or lack of belonging are evoked, it can stir feelings of shame and unworthiness.
We can begin to heal the shame and feelings of unworthiness and lack of feeling like we belong by building a kind and loving relationship with ourselves, as belonging always begins within. We can create a sense of belonging by engaging in meditation practices designed to evoke a sense of connection and belonging, including meditations in which we connect with a kind and loving presence—whether it’s a Divine figure, a loving grandparent, a beloved pet, or nature—and then pause to notice the good feelings that arise in response to this. We can also create a sense of belonging by getting in touch with how much we are a part of all that surrounds us.
After a while, we learn that feeling like we belong has nothing to do with the most popular, wealthy, beautiful or famous people liking us or with whom we share a holiday. Feeling like we belong has to do with building a strong foundation for connection and belonging within and then creating authentic connections with what matters most in our lives.
Wishing you all a peaceful holiday filled with love.
Warmly,
Jen