How to say no and mean it begins with inner clarity and conviction about our own needs, limits, and boundaries and then taking the needs of others into consideration.
How many times have we all said “Yes” when what we really wanted was to say “No”? I could write pages about the complex reasons for this, but at the heart of most of the reasons is fear of the others’ response.e are afraid they may get angry, not like us, reject us, judge us. Or perhaps we feel guilty for putting ourselves first.
It’s not easy for many of us to speak up for ourselves honestly
and directly. And let’s face it—many of the people who don’t react well to hearing “no” are often using a lot of persuasive and manipulative tactics to get a “yes” out of us, which makes it more difficult to summon a “no” from within.
“No” is a complete sentence. –Anne Lamott
It may bring some comfort to know that most of us tend to overestimate the cost of saying no. But even if we do occasionally encounter a hostile reaction to our no, it’s important to keep moving forward with speaking up, because saying yes when we mean no most often not only leads to all kinds of twisty feelings inside, it typically results in anger, resentment and stress, And a repeated pattern of not saying, “No” when that is what we want to do can lead to all sorts of health complications from the ongoing stress.
It’s ok to take care of yourself. It’s ok to recognize your own limits. It’s ok to want to be able to give more to others but choose not to if it compromises your own wellbeing to say yes. It’s ok to have limits and boundaries, and it’s healthy to have an expectation that others will respect the limits and boundaries that we set.
If you are unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end of a hostile reaction to saying no, try to respect your own limit, even if others do not. Try to stand by yourself and refuse to abandon yourself just because someone doesn’t like the limit you have chosen to set. Try to keep it all in perspective, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward.
Once you become willing to explore how to say no, it takes repeated practice with setting limits to feel more at ease in doing it. Creating clear boundaries can support your sense of peace, wellbeing, and resilience. Keep going. It gets easier with practice!
Warmly,
Jen