We can be resilient in difficult times by starting with developing a resilient mindset. In difficult times, there is pain. What we do in reaction to the pain determines whether we will cope well and ride the wave of pain or become entangled in wanting things to be different and thus, create suffering for ourselves. In mindfulness practice, we learn that fighting against what is happening creates suffering. Practicing acceptance brings peace.
Acceptance is acknowledging what is happening, and then asking ourselves, “now what”? The mind will cling to wanting things to be other than they are. It will get entangled in thoughts about wishing things were different, asking, “why me?” It will go through a list of “if only’s.” The mind will trick us into believing that if we had just turned left instead of right, if we had just made this choice and not that one, that things would have been ok or at least better. This rumination about the past does not serve any good. It leads to greater suffering.
In practicing acceptance, acknowledging how things are in this moment, we stop fighting reality and begin to realistically face reality. This is the first step toward greater peace. Next, we might ask ourselves, given how things are in this moment, what can I do? What do I have control of, and what do I need to practice letting go? It is a waste of our precious energy, and it leads to stress and negative mindsets to focus on wanting things to be otherwise when there is nothing that we can do to control them. If there’s something we can do to change the situation, we can then figure out the next wise step to take.
If there’s nothing we can do to change the situation, we might then explore what we can do to adapt to it. If we can’t change the situation, then how can we change? What meaning can we make from what is happening? How can we come to terms with it and find peace?
The meaning we make from difficult times will determine the story that we tell ourselves about our life, and it will determine, in large part, how we feel. What stories do you tell yourself about your life? Are the stories focused on the difficulty, or are they focused on how you made meaning and therefore transformed the difficult?
Feelings in response to difficult times are real – there is sadness, fear, grief, anger, and a myriad of other difficult emotions. It is healthy to allow ourselves to feel whatever arises. It becomes problematic for us when we become stuck in those feelings, entangled in them to the point that they overwhelm us. With mindfulness of feelings practice, we can learn to ride the waves of a feeling as it rises, crests, swells, and falls. We can learn how to focus our awareness on the sensations that accompany the feeling rather than becoming swept up in the thoughts that perpetuate the feeling, leaving us feeling tossed around in the emotional surf.
We can be resilient by practicing a resilient mindset, acknowledging “this is happening,” and asking ourselves, “now what?”
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