Vulnerability and connection are at the foundation of cultivating authentic relationships. I spent the day with a family of old friends. Today, two of them broke an unspoken agreement to maintain their parents’ expectations for perfection, and they spoke the truth. They spoke about the pain of years of denial about a family member’s homosexuality, years of denial about their own addictions—to alcohol, drugs, and perfection. I realized that I had somehow been complicit in the denial for all of these years by assuming that the public presentation of perfection was real. One spoke of wanting to write his story of the pressure of growing up in a perfect family.
I was reminded again of Brene Brown’s work on shame, vulnerability and connection. Brown says that shame is related to our fear of connection and that many of us believe that there is something about us that if others see or know, we won’t be worthy of connection. She talks about how no one wants to talk about the shame, and the more we don’t talk about it, the bigger it becomes.
Brown believes that in order to really connect with others, we must allow ourselves to become excruciatingly vulnerable and allow ourselves to really be seen. She says, “vulnerability is the core of shame, fear, and struggle for worthiness. But it’s also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love.”
Though I was saddened to learn of my friends’ pain today, I felt relieved that they were interested in talking about it. They are taking risks to speak the truth, breaking years of their family’s pattern of denial, being vulnerable, and connecting. One of them talked about wanting to write a book about the pressure of growing up in a perfect family.
What secrets and shame are you holding onto? With whom can you be vulnerable and share it in order to connect and begin to release the shame? What creative act might that inspire? Consider exploring these inquiries in your mindful journaling practice.
Jen Johnson is a mindfulness therapist and coach teaching meditation for healing and creativity. Learn more about working with Jen.