September is suicide prevention month. Today is the 18th anniversary of my mother’s suicide attempt. I received the call that day from my mother’s neighbor who was at the scene. After 24 years of being clean and sober, my mother went on a nine month binge with alcohol and prescription opioids and benzodiazepines and then shot herself and nearly died on the night of September 26, 2001. Three years later, she died from cancer. During the year that my mother was dying from cancer, she said to me that she couldn’t believe she had finally decided to live and that now she was going to die.
May all beings be at peace. May all beings be free from suffering.
Practicing Compassion
Every year, I take time out to reflect on this day honor my mother by sending lovingkindness, compassion, and wishes for peace to all who are suffering. I take a moment to honor the memories of all of the souls I have known who chose to end their lives—my childhood ENT doctor, my 8thgrade P.E. teacher, a childhood neighbor, my college roommate, a dear friend, and the numerous mothers, fathers, partners, sisters, brothers, and friends of grieving clients whom I have served. Feel free to leave the names or initials of your loved ones who have ended their own lives, and I will send them and you loving-kindness and wishes for healing and peace in my evening meditation this evening.
I teach yoga and meditation students to bring loving awareness to that moment when they feel like they cannot hold a yoga pose for one more second. I invite them to ask themselves, “What would it be like to stay for 30 more seconds?” If my students choose to hold the pose, they most often find that when they choose to continue to stay after putting a contained time parameter on the pose, their body softens, their feelings become less intense, and their mind becomes quieter and more focused. They are then able to hold the pose for several minutes more, sometimes longer.
Focused Attention
The mind is wired to turn away from or try to escape what it perceives as unpleasant thanks to a beautifully designed brain and nervous system that are designed to protect us from real or perceived threats. But we can learn through mindfulness how to skillfully turn toward our own suffering and unpleasant experiences without feeling overwhelmed. Whatever we rest our attention on grows. The more we focus on how intolerable things feel, the more intolerable things feel. Yet when we pause to notice even a small bit of something pleasant, like the feel of cool water on our lips, the taste of a cup of warm tea, the sound of birdsong, or the view of a brilliant blue sky, life can suddenly become more tolerable, even pleasurable, even if for a brief moment. That we have the capacity to impact our feeling state by regulating our nervous system and by choosing where we focus our attention is one of the most powerful things I’ve learned as a human being and a therapist. It really is possible to learn how to decrease our suffering by meeting it with a mindfulness and resilience approach of acceptance, kindness, and compassion. We can learn how to more skillfully cope with suffering and balance it with joy. I tell my therapy clients that yes, joy, too, is a practice.
But what happens when suffering feels unbearable? Suicide is happening all around us at an alarming and increasing rate. Some of us are fortunate to have never been touched personally by suicide, but many of us have. Teens and adults over the age of 65 are at higher risk than the general population (my mother was 72), and gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered youth at are a higher risk than heterosexual teens. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, suicide is among the leading causes of death in the U.S.
Lovingkindness Meditation
How can we each learn to be present with our own pain and in turn increase our capacity for being present with the pain of others who are suffering? It’s difficult to be present with pain, and our tendency is to turn our backs on others’ pain in much the same way that many of us are accustomed to turning from our own pain. We want to hide from it or fix it. Pema Chodron has this to say: “The only reason we don’t open our hearts & minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly & compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident & fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.”
Though addressing all of the issues related to suicide is a much more complex issue than can be handled in this blog post, we can all begin to have some impact on our own suffering and the suffering in the world by spending five minutes every day practicing loving-kindness meditation. With a tenderness and compassion toward yourself as though you were a beloved other, silently in your heart whisper to yourself, “May I dwell in the heart. May I be free from suffering. May I be healed. May I be at peace.” Silently whisper these words of kindness to yourself several times. Then imagine someone you know who is experiencing suffering. Silently in your heart, whisper to this person, “May you dwell in the heart. May you be free from suffering. May you be healed. May you be at peace.” Now imagine this whole world in need of healing. Silently in your heart whisper, “May all beings dwell in the heart. May all beings be free from suffering. May all beings be healed. May all beings be at peace.”
I urge you to try to be a little kinder to everyone that you meet. You never know what story they are living. If you are suffering, try to remember that healing is possible. Suicide is not the only option, depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress are treatable, and you’re not alone. If you’re coming out as a LGBT youth, you’re not alone. There are thousands of other LGBT youth coming out too, and hundreds of thousands of us who made it through a painful adolescence. Support is available. If you feel like hurting yourself or killing yourself, call one of the hotlines listed below. Reach out to a trusted parent, friend, mentor, teacher, or neighbor who can help you get immediate professional assistance.
I understand that when you are in the depths of despair, your mind will tell you that you cannot reach out. Your mind will tell you a myriad of reasons not to ask for help. I’m asking you to please try to override that voice and pick up the phone to make that call, as impossible as it feels.
What would it be like to just stay for one more minute? Once you make it through the next minute, what would it be like to stay for one more hour? And once you make it through another hour, what would it be like to stay for one more day? And then one more week, one more month, one more year, while you get help and give healing a chance. Please, stay. Healing is possible. While I’ve known one too many people who have died by suicide, I’ve known far more who healed and were able to transform their suffering into a more meaningful and purposeful life. Here’s to committing fully to being alive, right here, right now.
Please reach out to a professional who can help you to learn how to really commit to being alive. If you’re in the midst of a dark night of the soul, what would it be like to keep breathing, call the Suicide Prevention line, and hold on for a few more moments, hours, days, or weeks while you give healing a chance?
If you know someone who is suffering, reach out and try to offer them support. Learn about suicide prevention. I encourage you to become familiar with the warning signs of suicide. Keep in mind that the majority, but not all, of people who suicide exhibit warning signs. If you know someone who is suffering, let them know that you are available if they want to talk. If they come to you, try to practice deep listening, and then help to get them connected with professional support by calling one of the resources listed below. Click this link and follow these guidelines when dealing with someone who is suicidal. If someone you know is actively threatening to harm or kill themselves, or if you feel like you want to hurt or kill yourself call your local emergency services phone number (911 in the U.S.).
Ya’ll take good care of yourselves and the people you love. I am sending each of you loving-kindness and wishes for healing and peace.
Love,
Jen
In loving memory of Eloise.
Suicide Prevention Resources in the U.S.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and Veteran’s Crisis Line 800-273-8255
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered Youth Suicide Hotline 866-4-U-TREVOR
Suicide Prevention, Awareness, and Support www.suicide.org
Online support forum for people who have lost loved ones to suicide http://www.suicide.org/suicide-survivors-forum.html