The mindful way through grief involves learning to ride the waves of feelings without allowing them to knock us over. Life brings both loss and joy. We mistakenly expect mostly joy, and this causes suffering. We are at our best when we use mindfulness practices to learn how to turn toward our experience skillfully, even when it is painful, while simultaneously learning to cultivate positive emotional states, such as peace, joy, gratitude, love, and awe.
Loss is an experience that all of us will eventually navigate. We lose loved ones to death, we lose relationships with those we love, we lose pets, we lose jobs, we lose friends, we lose our health or senses, we lose our sense of safety in the world during natural disasters or pandemics, etc. When loss happens, be gentle with yourself. During difficult times, it is easy to get lost in thoughts about wanting the things to be other than they are. Much of our suffering comes from wanting things to be other than they are. Peace comes from practicing accepting things as they are and then inquiring, “Now what?”
Mindfulness practice can serve as a refuge during times of grief by helping us to stay to ride the waves of intense emotions and observe that experience rather than becoming entangled in and overwhelmed by them. The most immediate experience of the present moment is through sensations in the body. Let go of thinking, and turn toward the sensations in the body. Notice what sensations arise when the waves of grief come. What are you feeling? Naming the emotion activates an area of the brain that begins to calm us. Where are you feeling it in the body? Name the location. What are the sensations you notice there? Try to observe the present moment expression of feelings through sensations in the body. Feelings are like waves — they rise, swell, crest, and fall. If we keep our attention anchored in the sensations, this process typically doesn’t last a long time.
Balance the grief by turning toward what gives you a feeling of comfort, connection, and healing—express the grief through writing or other creative outlets; create a ritual to honor your loved one’s memory; soak in the beautiful sights, sounds, and smells of nature; open to the warm embraces of loving and supportive friends and family who want to be there for you and who understand that grief takes time to transform; and seek refuge in the steady rhythm of the breath.
For more on mindfulness and grief, see my recent Psychology Today guest blog post on Finding Joy After Loss.
In loving memory of my childhood neighbor and lifelong friend, “Aunt Vitus” Carroll. June 6, 1922 – May 7, 2013. Aunt Vitus was the happiest and most loving person that I have ever known. Thanks, Aunt Vitus, for all of the happy memories. “We had such a good time.” May we all be so fortunate to lovingly touch so many lives with the love, joy, and comfort with which you touched mine.
Jen Johnson is a mindfulness teacher and therapist teaching meditation for healing, creativity, and resilience during difficult times. If you’re interested in learning mindfulness for transforming grief, check out Jen’s online Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course.